Thursday, March 24, 2005

By my own words, I will be judged.

By my own words, I will be judged.

I have been re-reading some of my posts below and I realize that by the very standards of morality and ethics, which I pontificate, I will at the very least be judged. I say at the least because I know the benchmark will in fact be higher than the bar, which I hold up.

Frightening realization really. It is not unlike the pointing finger cliché: one finger pointing out in criticism of another, but three fingers pointing back towards you.

I must admit that in my shallow life I’ve been, a lair, I’ve put myself above others. I attempted to reach the mountaintop knowing that it would be lonely there. I’ve done so much more that I am utterly ashamed of. The seeds of my own actions have sowed many a field of weeds. Sadly, my actions have hurt others to such a degree that they have found it difficult to forgive me my transgressions.

All these years later, were I asked if I could live my life over would I make any changes? To which my answer is a resounding yes I would. I’d try to be a more loving man. Why? Well in all my faults and derelictions, I have always known that love is supreme. When I looked into the abyss of hopelessness, it was love that called out and said my life had meaning. When in my deepest pain I thought there could never be healing it was love that said my pain had meaning. When I had given up and thrown my lot in with the lost it was always love that called me out of the fog like a beacon from a lighthouse. The God of love has never let me down. Though I’ve turned my back on love in favor of my own selfish ambitions rooted in pure hedonism, it was always love that rescued me from the fruits of such self aggrandizement, which in time only lead to despair. Though I have had little faith, God’s has remained faithful to me even as I spat in loves face.

You know I often say to people that I am a Survivor of my own stupidity. Never have truer words been said. I’m not talking about mistakes or errors in judgments, no not even brain farts. I’m talking about conscious decisions to actually digress from the path of righteousness in favor of stroking my own hubris, sensuality, need for power, to stand in the centre of the universe as though I myself ruled it (damn Nietzsche). Every time I have done, it does not take long for the chickens to come home to roost. You can tell a tree from the fruit that it bears and in my short fifty years, there has been an abundance of sour grapes harvested. The tender mercy in all of this is that love has always been there to catch me and show me the errors of my ways. Love is pure and when God has shown me it, it has always been without out any expectations other than to accept it. Hard to do at times I assure you: I think of Dr. Faust sinking into hell at the end of Goethe’ book, as he descends into the abyss he sees a river of blood streaming over the edge and says, I know if I were to simply reach out and accept God’s forgiveness I will be spared. Sadly, Dr. Faust is unable to accept forgiveness and reach out to the God of love for it. He chose to follow a path of self and in the end; the self could not release his own vanity only to be lost. I’ve seen myself in many ways like Dr. Faust but the difference is that God has not failed me as I’ve reached out and acknowledged my shortcomings.

I am not the centre of the universe. You know I can’t even truly understand the distance from earth to the sun, I know its 93 million miles, but I can’t fathom that. Therefore, how far to the next galaxy or the edge of the cosmos, it’s beyond my perception even if I know the science of it in terms of numbers. I am a finite being – I have a beginning. How big is love then, a love that could create such a marvelous universe? That’s what I’m talking about, when I take myself out of the centre and let God’s love direct me is when I find my greatest moments of joy, peace, and understanding. When I’m in that spot, the love of God, my family and friends, eclipses any desire that I may have for any selfish desire other than to be loved.

So as the victim of my own stupidity, I read what I’ve written and realize that I will myself be judged by what I have written and for that reason I have written this.

Thank you God for giving me love, meaning, hope and something to say in both my work and words.
To God be the glory.


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